Ponder this: millions of Americans are unemployed, yet Ryan Seacrest is a millionaire just for being a jerkfaced schlong monger. Forget child abuse, forget animal cruelty. Ryan Seacrest's success is the greatest injustice to plague our country since slavery. From his boy band frosted tips to his signature Ed Hardy shirt-and-blazer ensemble, Seacrest reminds us that if you work hard enough at being a colossal ass camper, great success and loads of money will surely follow. And apparently, gorgeous women like Julianne Hough.
Now I admit that I used to be a closet American Idol-head back in the day. I enjoyed American Idol for the wealth of talent of its contestants, Randy’s disco ball-inspired wardrobe, Simon’s acid insults, and Paula’s Vicodin-fueled love-rants. I needed nothing else to make my AI experience complete. So WHY, American Idol, do you force us to watch Ryan Seacrest’s smarmy self as he builds unnecessary suspense, dishes out fake sympathy for departing contestants, and exchanges homoerotic banter with Simon Cowell? Everyone else on the show has some modicum of talent; anything with arms to hold a microphone can replace Seacrest. I encourage Seacrest to take up a new career in cricket farming. Or something.
|Who has two thumbs and is a giant douche spigot?!!|