Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Fuck Abraham Lincoln.

Who was it that said, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt"?  It was Abraham Lincoln, right?  Yeah, fuck that guy.  He died in 1865 when talking was frowned upon apparently, and therefore his advice is completely irrelevant in today's world. Where would we be if we listened to Lincoln (who, by the way, SPOKE OUT to give us that advice, the hypocritical jackass)? We'd be in a world full of frustrated mimes, that's where.

Abraham Lincoln gives Ford's Theater 2 stars. If I got shot and killed somewhere, I might go ahead and opt for the one star, but hey - maybe I'm being overly critical. This is supposed to be a caption, but I haven't figured out how to insert captions yet, so deal with it.

Anyway, my new philosophy goes something like this: I have an insatiable urge to stay stupid things, so I'm gonna indulge myself.  I have my reasons.  I say stupid shit all the time unintentionally, but I try to limit the unintentional stupidity to strangers if possible. My real-life pals get all judgey when I tell dead baby jokes. And my work colleagues get all judgey when I use words like "judgey."  That's where you, my stranger friends, come in. I can offend you until the Cubs win the World Series (which, in case you aren't a sports nut, will happen forever from now) and I'll probably never even know you hate me. Unless you send me hate mail.  Then I'll know, and I'll probably deserve it.  But it'll be just fine, because I will be super excited to get any mail associated with this blog and I will probably invite you to be my best friend despite your death threats.

It should be evident by now that I have no fucking clue how to write a blog, but my therapist friends said a blog would be an excellent creative outlet for me, so here goes. I can't guarantee this will be entertaining to anyone but me. I can't promise that I'll even learn how to add pictures or proper captions to my posts. But what I CAN promise is this: I will be my jackass self . I'll give you a heaping helping of gratuitous profanity. I'll provide you with liberal doses of obnoxious insight and sprinkle in healthy portions of self deprecation. I will teach you things. I'm lying; I'll teach you nothing. You'll probably be dumber just for reading this. In fact, you'll lose 10 IQ points just for finishing this post.  Let's spiral into mental retardation together, shall we?

On a wildly unrelated note, I have already learned something from writing this post. I smugly thought I was a stellar speller, which I'm quickly realizing isn't true at all.  Apparently I am incapable of spelling "deprecation" and "obsolete."  Aye caramba.

What next? Oh! I should probably tell you a smidge about myself.

1.  I hate onions.
2.  I really like chocolate.
3.  I'm pretty hungry right now.
4.  I totally judge people who don't acknowledge the difference between "you're" and "your".
5.  I am borderline brain dead where technology is concerned.
6.  I am painfully clumsy.  (Both figuratively and literally.)
7.  Boom-shaka-laka.
8.  I am a lawyer.  Yeah, I'm surprised too.
9.  I have guilty pleasures. Wanna hear some? Of course you do. I like Nsync, the smell of rubber, an old Nickelodeon show called Salute Your Shorts, and swizzle straws in my vodka drinks.  Also, I was a Girl Scout until I was 18, and I'm a whore for the holiday season and decorations and the Christmas spirit.
10. I have two orange cats named Pumpkin and Tang and I will most certainly blog about them immediately, if not sooner.

So there you have it.  Now that we're acquainted, I hope you'll stop in from time to time to make sure I haven't fallen down a manhole or something.  Because I would totally do that.  No, really.

PS:  Yes, I know Mark Twain is known for the whole "Remain silent" quote too, so fuck him too.  But fuck Lincoln more.

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